What on earth just happened?
What on earth just happened?
There you are... again. You thought this would be an easy conversation, but it has turned into an absolute nightmare, and you don’t quite know how you got there. You had the best intentions, and you knew exactly what you were going to say. However, you don’t feel that your partner listened to what you just said, and his response was odd; you felt irritated by this, and you ended up arguing. Or, your daughter completely misinterpreted what you said about hoping that everyone at home would clean up the working surface after making food. The conversation went off the rails while you were trying to make your point, resulting in both of you becoming angry and her walking out. And your colleague got upset with you when you asked her to finish that document so you could get on with your part of the project. She’s sitting at her desk now, and you can see that she’s holding back tears. And then your neighbour came to the door complaining about where you had parked your car, and you felt disgruntled and grumpy at the end of that conversation.
And at the end of all of that, you think: ‘What on earth just happened?’
Conversations are getting out of hand
Every day, you might have conversations that either get out of hand or have the possibility of doing so. No matter how clear you think you are about what you are saying, the fact that you are dealing with other people and not just yourself creates opportunities for communication to go wrong.
- How many times do you not feel heard, but misunderstood or judged in conversations with other people?
- How many times did you catch yourself thinking: ‘Why did I just say that?’
- Thinking back on the conversations you had today or yesterday: was everything you said constructive, empathic, and honest?
- And at the end of those conversations, did you feel frustrated or empowered?
- Did you manage to create a situation that made it possible to connect and work towards resolving a conflict?
- Did both parties in the conversation feel not just heard but also understood, with a positive outcome to the interaction?
That conversation with yourself in your head...
And even without saying anything to anyone, what about that conversation you are having with yourself in your head where you talk yourself down, telling yourself that you are not good enough? Are you truly forgiving yourself, or are you judging yourself for what you have done or said? Can you stop blaming yourself and recognize that you’re not the one at fault?
Easy communication
Most of us find it much easier and more satisfying to communicate with other people when we feel good, happy, and positive. And usually, we feel good when we know what is going on, when we feel understood, valued (by ourselves and others), and connected. Therefore, it is essential to be in a good place within us as much as possible. This will not only benefit you, but also the other person.
We are in communication with ourselves and with others for most of the day, to a certain extent, even when we sleep. Good communication skills are not something you are born with, but rather something you learn and develop. I work with people who want to understand why and how communication goes wrong and how to make it right.
Learning about internal and external communication
During my many years of working with clients, both as a massage therapist and a personal development coach, I have explored the concepts of Transactional Analysis and Nonviolent Communication, as well as various other models of Communication. These provide valuable tools to help us understand what happens inside before a single word even leaves our mouths. It is this awareness of our internal communication processes that helps define the outcome of our interactions with other people.
Exploring these concepts can help clarify what is happening, and they can offer practical advice on how to increase your self-awareness and enhance your contributions to conversations, ultimately leading to genuine connections with others through empathy, honesty, and understanding. It is your awareness, knowledge, and self-empathy that determine how you respond to others and whether your conversations with them are destructive or constructive. We all need to be heard and for our needs to be met. Both parties in the conversation will feel most empowered when they have truly listened to each other and communicate based on what they have in common, rather than what separates them.
I’d love to explore with you how you communicate, so please don't hesitate to get in touch if you want to increase your understanding of how to improve your communication, both with yourself and with others.
