Why Identity Shapes Every Habit You Try to Build

Why Identity Shapes Every Habit You Try to Build

Change often begins with a grand idea. We decide we’re going to eat better, speak up more, feel calmer, or finally stop doubting ourselves. We imagine a stronger, more confident version of who we could be, then set off chasing it.

But what if fundamental transformation doesn’t come from chasing, but from gently becoming?

“Real transformation begins when you stop trying to fix yourself and start remembering who you already are.” - Renny van der Deen

Most people try to change their lives by changing their habits. They start new routines, buy new planners, or set strict goals. These things can help for a while, but lasting change doesn’t come from what you do. It comes from who you believe you are.

If deep down you still see yourself as someone who can’t stick with things, someone who never quite gets it right, or someone who isn’t as capable as others, those habits will struggle to take hold. It’s not that you’re lazy or inconsistent. It’s that your inner identity hasn’t caught up with the change you’re trying to make.

Identity is powerful. It shapes what you allow yourself to believe, how much you’re willing to try, and how easily you give up when things get uncomfortable. The mind will always return to what feels familiar. If an old version of you still feels safer than a new one, you’ll keep repeating the same old patterns.

That’s why the smallest shifts in self-belief can create the most significant ripple effects. You don’t have to become someone completely different overnight. You just have to start noticing the quiet ways you speak to yourself and the stories that run underneath your thoughts.

You might begin by paying attention to those moments when you say, “I’ve always been this way,” or “That’s just who I am.” Those phrases sound harmless, but they often hold hidden limits. Every time you repeat them, you reinforce the old story. Change starts by catching yourself in those moments and gently asking, “Is that still true?”

The truth is, instead of your identity being a fixed and unchangeable thing, it is something you can shape, one small decision at a time. Each time you show up differently, you’re proving to yourself that change is possible. Each time you make a new choice, you strengthen a new belief.

You might start speaking to yourself with more patience. You might take a deep breath before reacting. You might stop apologising for taking up space. Small acts, repeated often, begin to tell a new story about who you are.

Transformation rarely arrives with fireworks. It’s quieter than that. It lives in small moments of awareness and tiny steps of courage. The bigger shifts often sneak up on you. One day, you look back and realise that what once felt impossible has become second nature.

In The S.T.O.R.Y. Sanctuary, we talk a lot about these small, deliberate shifts. Every story begins with a single word, and every life change starts with one new thought. When you give yourself the space to notice what you’re believing, you open the door to who you’re becoming.

You don’t need to fix anything about yourself. You don’t need to reinvent yourself. You just need to start choosing thoughts, words, and actions that align with the version of you that already exists inside, waiting to be lived into. The process of becoming who you want to be is as much an unlearning of who you’ve become as a commitment to living with gentle awareness and choice.

Change doesn’t happen because you force yourself to be different. It happens because you start believing that you can be.

So today, try this: speak to yourself like someone capable, deserving, and becoming. You don’t need proof to start believing it. Belief comes first, then the evidence follows.

The story of who you are is always being written. You’re holding the pen.